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At the outset of the interview, in accordance with a tried and true custom, Heidi was asked to say something about herself and how she has came to live here in Iceland.
“I grew up in Montreal and as an adult moved to Toronto, where I lived for many years,” she responded openly. “I have always loved to travel and spent about one half year in Africa about 10 years ago. It was during this trip that I met my husband, Sigurður Helgason, a business consultant, who was himself at that time exploring the world. After living together for six years in Toronto, we decided to move to Iceland and last February I gave birth to our first child, Daníel Ísak.”
“I studied social work in New York City and then worked in Canada in the mental health field – first with people who had attempted to harm themselves or commit suicide and then with children who where struggling with psychological problems. The last position I held was with a Family Service Agency, the equivalent of which does not yet exist here in Iceland. Amongst other types of work I did at this agency, I ran a group therapy program for men who abuse their partners.”
I thought that these kind of men usually didn’;t want help.
“That is quite right. The laws in Ontario have become quite strong in supporting the victims of violence so that men who abuse their partners are under much greater pressure to seek help than these men are here in Iceland. Out of all the men with whom I worked in Canada, I can remember only one who came to seek help on his own accord without anyone applying any kind of pressure on him.”
“Some men come because they are forced to do so by the courts as a result of having been charged with assaulting their partner. Others come prior to their case going to court on the advice of their lawyers, hoping that the judge will be more lenient on them. Still others come because of the demands of their partners to do so if they want the marriage to continue or if they want to continue to have access to their children.”
“It is also likely that the abused woman phones to ask about treatment for her abusive partner. All women, whether having been abused or not, tend to be all too willing to take responsibility for their partner’;s emotional difficulties. We advise women to look after themselves and their own emotional needs and offer them counseling. If their partner’;s are interested in seeking treatment with us, they are required to pursue this for themselves.”
Can therapy work even if these men don’;t come of their own free accord?
“That differs. Some men who were forced to come for treatment by the Canadian courts, would literally come and serve their sentence in our group – just sitting silent and observing. We encouraged every man to try to find some personal advantage they could gain from the therapy since they had to be there anyway. Some men, even if they first thought this therapy had nothing to offer them, slowly came to see that they could indeed get something out of participating in the group.”
“You have to be very tough in treating abusive men. They are no fools. They are geniuses in disorting the truth. They can even sound completely convincing as they shift the blame to their wifes/partners for their predicament.”
“ The treatment works very well when you work with men in a group where there is a mixture of men who are just entering treatment and men who have been in treatment for some time. The veteran members often don’;t allow the new members to get away with making excuses or shifting the blame and responsibility. The newer members are often more willing to listen to men who have been in similar situations to them and with whom they can better identify than they can with the therapists. The lessons that the new members learn from the older ones are also important. Perhaps the most important thing the new members see is that it is possible to change one’;s behaviour. This shows without a doubt that the treatment works.”
Heidi talks quickly and excitedly and it does not take very long for the journalist to recognize that she is speaking with an intelligent woman, very knowledgeable in her field.
„All woman are vulnerable to being abused by their husbands,” she says, “-independent of education, social and financial status and other such factors. There are no specific characteristics that would make a woman more susceptible to enter into an abusive relationship.
Yet many people have a clear picture of a woman living in a violent situation. Even women, who have experienced abuse, don’;t have any difficulty describing a ´typical´ victim of abuse. Often the description is completely different from how they see themselves, as everyone sees their own circumstances as totally unique. It comes as a complete surprise to them.
When a counsellor asks these women whether they have ever been raped by their husbands, they almost always say no. Yet, if asked if they have ever had sex with their husbands when they really didn’;t want to, they almost always admitted to that. Sex is defined as rape when one party does not want to engage in sex and yet intercourse takes place.”
Heidi says that many don’;t realize that it is still violence even though the man may never lay a hand on his wife. This type of violence is no less dangerous than physical assault – especially for the psychological health of the woman.
She gives this example:
“It is clearly a violence when a husband controls with whom his wife meets or speaks, what she reads, or where she goes. A husband may not be able to stand his in-laws or simply be angry with them and strictly forbid his wife to set foot in their home. His wife can’;t exactly call the police and say: “My husband won’;t let me speak to my mother!” The police would just laugh in response and this would only add to her humiliation. This is a very dangerous kind of oppression and can gravely damage the one who experiences it.
The purpose of this type of manipulation is to isolate the woman so that she gets no other feedback or picture of herself other than how her husband perceives her. He possibly assaults her with comments about how ugly, fat or stupid she is and does not want anyone to improve her self-image with praise and encouragement. Women who experience this kind of violence, sometimes wish that their husbands would actually physically abuse them. At least then, they could charge them and have physical proof of their wounds to upport their charge.
Some men engage in abusive behaviour by adding fuel to the fire of their wife’;s sense of inadequacy by letting them think that they are losing their mind or by humiliating them in public. They may state, for example, that certain things have never been said or done and accuse them directly or indirectly of having imagined incidents.
Other men don’;t need to do anything other than give a ?look’; or wave their finger to threaten their wifes. They might also break something that they know has special value to her. This is no less violent than physical abuse.”
“Threatening is one form of violence,” says Heidi and asks: “What is it other than emotional violence to threaten divorce or suicide?”
She says that men often use threats so that their wife drops charges she may have laid. This is especially evident here in Iceland because of the existing laws.
“I find fault with the law here in Iceland that it is completely in the hands of the woman to lay charges. If a woman is beaten by her husband and wants to press charges, what can and what should she do when he threatens to kill her if she presses those charges? She knows that he is fully capable of using violence. Moreover, she knows that the police cannot do anything even if she reports that her husband has threatened to kill her. This situation probably gets classified as a ?family quarrel’;. Is it worth while for her to risk her life by following through with the assault charge?
In the province of Ontario in Canada, men can no longer use such threats. That is because it is not in the hands of the victim of violence to press charges. Rather, it falls under the jurisdiction of the police to deal with the matter. If it is clear that violence has taken place and the police have not laid charges, it is possible to charge the police with not performing their duty.”
According to Heidi’;s experience, there are two main reasons why women recant on their charges. They recant either because they are afraid of their husband and what he has threatened to do to her, or the husband has apologized, promised that he will change and their life will be better, and she out of hope and love has forgiven him.
According to Heidi´s experience, there are two main reasons why a woman recants on her charges. She recants either because she is afraid of her husband and what he has threatened to do to her or because her husband has appologized, promised that he´ll change and their life will become better and she, out of hope and love, forgives him.
Heidi mentioned many examples of behaviour which people sometimes find difficult to see as abusive:
“A man can be abusive to his partner by controlling their finances. He can make it difficult for her to seek work outside of their home. He can also demand her salary and dole out money to her as he sees fit. It is not merely that she has no say in the family finances, but that she has no idea as to their financial standing. She may have no knowledge as to how much money her husband earns and no information regarding family debts.
Psychological violence can also be manifested by a husband treating his wife like a servant or even a slave. I actually believe that this may be more evident here in Iceland; for even though it is apparent that a man may treat his partner abusively, it is unlikely that anyone will interfere because of the overriding importance of ?family privacy.’;
The man continues to order his partner around and make inhuman demands of her and she just accepts it. When she was growing up, she may have witnessed her mother being treated in a similar fashion and she just accepts that this is normal in relationships.”
But isn’;t that changing for the better?
“A little bit. However, the traditional gender roles continue to operate strongly despite a changing social situation. For example, let us look at the activities of cooking and shopping. Although both members of the couple may have full time employment, it is most often the woman who makes the decision about what they are eating for dinner. Perhaps the man might cook the dinner, but it is almost always the woman’;s job to think about what is for dinner and to see to it that all the required ingredients are available in the home.
Research has shown and continues to show that the majority of housework still falls on women. This pattern is difficult to change simply because most of us have grown up with this pattern and still feel that it is normal for the woman to maintain this responsibility. It is also difficult to change the sexes’; attitudes toward housework. We, as women, are often quicker to throw the soiled towels into the washing machine, sweep the breadcrumps from under the kitchen table and change the bed linen. Even though our husband was just about to get to it, we find it easier to do it ourselves, than start nagging for them to do it today and not tomorrow or next week.
Until these attitudes change and both sexes begin to take equal responsibility for the household, it is not possible to eliminate psychological abuse. Men will keep taking advantage of their wifes as long as they can get away with being the king in their castle and say that they are ?helping’; their wives rather than taking responsibility for their share of child care and vacuuming the living room.”
What can women who are being abused do to get out of this cycle of violence?
“First and foremost they need to begin with the understanding and recognition that violence is never acceptable. Never, ever,” says Heidi emphatically.
“It is a fallacy that an abused woman has somehow provoked this violent behaviour by her words, looks, actions or other behaviour. It is absolutely ridiculous! She can never be responsible for her partner’;s behaviour. That is his choice and his responsibility. Unfortunately, most people and especially abused women often have difficulty recognizing this.
The most effective way to get a new perspective on the situation is to break the silence and thereby begin to break out of isolation. Abused women must talk about their situation with other people. This is essential if anything is going to change.
A good way to start is by talking to friends and relatives. It doesn’;t have to take the form of complaining or slandering on her partner. The woman could simply be curious about how other couple’;s relationships work just to get some comparative information – just like girlfriends sometimes compare notes on the growth and development of their children.
If a woman must hand over her paycheck to her partner each month, she can ask her sister what she does with her paycheck and find out how the couple manages their finances in her sister’;s household. If a woman is forbidden to read a certain daily newspaper because her partner has some issues with it, she can ask what the situation is like in other families. In that manner, she can begin to get confirmation as to how reasonable or unreasonable her partner’;s behaviour is.
If, among other things, the abusive behaviour takes the form of her partner belittling and humiliating her in front of others, she can begin to discuss it with a person who has witnessed the humiliation. In that way, she may be able to see the incident in a new light and get the support she needs. The witness could say, “I was embarrassed when I heard how he talked to you. You can’;t let him talk to you in that manner.” In that way the woman may begin to realize that she was not exaggerating the situation or imagining it. Other people recognized the humiliating manner in which she was being treated.
Women in these situations are in many ways similar to children who have been abused sexually. The abuser makes them believe that this behaviour is normal and acceptable – all families behave this way. Therefore the victims need strength to break out of their cycle which may come following the recognition that an abusive situation is not normal.”
Sometimes both friends and family members don’;t want to give the woman advice or get involved:
“Women who live with abuse can seek help at the Kvennaathvarf for shelter and/or counseling,” Heidi points out. “If women live in the countryside, they can call the Kvennaathvarf and women who live in the Reykjavík area can come and speak to the staff at the Kvennaathvarf, but that would definitely be useful for many.
It would be best if all women who were being abused could get in contact with a professional counsellor. It is difficult, if not impossible, for friends and family to be neutral. When the woman tries to break out of the cycle of violence, it often takes many separations and reconciliations before she ultimately leaves. These numerous separations and subsequent reconciliations put supportive friends and family members in awkward situations. On the one hand, it can be difficult for a friend who has encouraged the woman to leave her partner who she believes is unlikely to change his behaviour. What will happen to their friendship when the woman makes another attempt to save their marriage? Maybe the friend will be offended that her caring advice went unheeded or angry and frustrated with her girlfriend for not listening to her. On the other hand, the woman herself may be embarrassed that she has returned to her partner and feel uncomfortable with her friend. Ultimately the trust between the two women erodes and the friendship can be destroyed.
Often people don’;t understand why these women stay with a man who continues to abuse them. People normally think that the abused woman should simply leave her abusive partner. Period! However, it is far more complex than that.
One can’;t forget that the woman was – and maybe still is – tied to her partner emtionally. This is not a stranger but a man with whom she fell in love with and lived with. Quite possibly they have children together.
The hope that the relationship will improve and the violence will end provides a powerful motivation to stay in the relationship. That is why it is so difficult to break out of the cycle of violence. Denial and hope maintain the cycle despite any common sense. Part of the explanation is also the traditional view that it is the woman’;s role and duty to keep the family together. If the family splits up due to divorce, the woman has in some way failed to perform her duty. It is particularly difficult here in Iceland because it is such a small society. It is not merely that she might feel responsible and guilty, but that she feels that everyone will know that she has been a failure in keeping her relationship intact.”
What about the impact of the psychological abuse on the woman? Doesn’;t her self confidence become so eroded that she no longer trusts her ability to be independent? Hasn’;t she also ended up financially dependent upon her abusive partner?
“Sure. The abusive man may have so thoroughly broken her spirit that she feels and truly believes that no one would hire her and no other man would even look at her. Her self-image is literally in pieces.”
What is the best way of responding when you suspect a woman is being abused?
“There is no simple answer to this question. It is best to approach the situation sensitively.
I myself would with sensitivity try to find out whether the woman would want to talk about it. If that was not successful, I would probably select the right moment to give her a brochure from Kvennaathvarf. I would not just leave the brochure on the table without saying anything, but encourage her to read it. First though, I would apologize for interfering, but tell her that I care about her and am concerned about her. I would also emphasize that if my sense about her situation is wrong that she would forgive me.
Even if you know both the man and the woman, you should never start this kind of conversation with them together. Talk to the woman alone and be as careful as possible. If she does not want to discuss the matter, you should not mention it again. The choice must be hers. You have taken the initiative and it is up to her to follow it up with you if she chooses to.”
Heidi says that the small size of Icelandic society can be advantageous in dealing with family violence.
“An idea comes to mind of a method that is used in Canada,” she says with a bit of a grin. “There it is used to apply pressure on men who are delinquent in paying child support since in Canada the government does not look after collection of child support payments.
Pressure groups have employed the method of publicizing names of such “dead beat dads” on huge billboards in heavily trafficked areas. In a small society such as Iceland, imagine the humiliation for abusive men if their name was on a list of abusing men splashed on the billboard at Lækjartorg!
Maybe people might find this a little harsh, but pressure from society is important in these situations. The men must begin to feel that they are being watched by the society as a whole.
If men feel that I am too aggressive, then I sometimes ask them to put themselves in the following positions. I ask each man to imagine his own reaction if his daughter-in-law comes to him and tells him that his son is abusing her. Then I ask him to imagine how he might respond if his daughter came to him and said she was being abused by her husband. How would his reactions compare? One thing is clear: the reactions are very different – whether it is a man’;s son who is being abusive or whether some other man is abusing HIS daughter.”
Like other women with vision, Heidi has a dream.
“My dream is that in the future there will be a similar development in the way society deals with abusive men as it has dealt with alcoholics. Fifteen or twenty years ago, people were ashamed to go for alcohol treatment. Now it is really no big a deal. Men are almost proud to be a member of this ?club’; of recovering alcoholics. Hopefully one day, treatment for abusive men will be just as normal and accepted.”
Finally, Heidi: is there some rule of thumb about how far the violence can go and how long it can go on for before the woman can break out of the cycle?
“This depends very much on the person. Sometimes something – perhaps even something insignificant – happens and the woman has a revelation. Perhaps she sees a movie on the television which has a strong impact on her or perhaps she just wakes up one morning and decides that she has had enough.
Since you mention the statement ?rule of thumb’;, I would like to tell you the origin of this expression. A few hundred years ago, a judge in England made a ruling which became known as the ?rule of thumb.’; The ruling was that men were not allowed to hit their wives with implements that were wider than the width of their thumb. If the implement was narrower than the width of his thumb, it was perfectly within the law for him to assault her!”
